The Pentagon, acting under instructions from Vice President Dick Cheney's office, has tasked the United States Strategic Command (STRATCOM) with drawing up a contingency plan to be employed in response to another 9/11-type terrorist attack on the United States. The plan includes a large-scale air assault on Iran employing both conventional and tactical nuclear weapons.I have considered sending the following letter to the Cheneys:
Dear Dick and Lynn,
Please reconsider buying a house in my neighborhood. To be honest with you, I don't want you next door. For openers, you're the wrong color (red) and having you as a neighbor will make the value of my house sink like Enron stock. But the main reason is that every time you drive by with your entourage of dark window SUV's, I think I see the Iranians lining you up in their atomic gunsights. I just don't want to die right now in a cloud of plutonium vapor.
I hope you don't mind. Nothing personal. Why don't you try Texas? Or Antarctica?
P.S. I wouldn't want my daughter to marry your daughter either.